From
one onco mom to another...
Have
you ever had the feeling you lose all your Mom-powers when you walk
into the hospital?
Have
you ever felt that anger when they stick your child with needles and
push pipes into him and inject him with poison and there's nothing
you can do about it?
Ever
felt the mistrust when you look into your child eyes and you know
that you lied, that it will hurt?
Ever
had the feeling of unimaginable pain when the child of another
onco-couple loses the fight and you wonder when it's going to be your
turn?
Ever
experienced that feeling of speechlessness when your child comes to
you and asks you when Jesus is coming to fetch her home?
Ever
felt as if the Earth is trying to suck you in and you can't get out
when those theatre doors close behind you?
Ever
felt that you could murder someone with your bare hands when they
make stupid remarks about your child?
Ever
felt that you want to run away and sit in a corner and just forget
about everything for a little while?
How
do you know when you've reached the limit of the amount of bad news
you can take? Everyone always wants to know how things are going and
if you're still strong enough. It's as if they expect that you'll
have a nervous breakdown any moment, and no-one knows what do do if
Mom starts crying uncontrollably... except that they're standing
there with the psychologist's number all ready... I mean freaking
HELL!
Definitely
my experience.
My
life fell apart the day I found out my child has cancer. Every time
you hear bad news another little piece of your heart breaks and it's
as if you eventually have no more tears left. What you have in place
of tears is an unquenchable rage and hardness, and unfortunately the
person who phones first is the one to be attacked. Someone just has
to look funny at your child's bald head and you feel like you're
about to lose your mind and attack him. But then you get the ones who
will actually tell you off for cutting your little daughter's hair so
short, she looks like a boy. So forgive me if I don't always have my
moods under control, but sometimes it's just flippin' impossible.
You
don't always want to hear that you must be strong and you must keep
believing; it's very difficult if you're constantly being given bad
news. The cherry on the cake is when the doctors tell you that
there's nothing more they can do for your child, you should just all
go home and wait and carry on as normal. How the hell does a person
go on as normal?
So,
to every cancer mother out there:
- You are allowed to be angry
- You are allowed to shout and scream
- You are allowed to be tired
- You are allowed to get sick
- You ARE ALLOWED to cry!
We
are also just human, we don't have super-powers, being strong isn't
our only option, we are going to cry and get angry, we are going to
get sick and tired, so stop watching us like hawks and waiting for us
to fall apart. For us there is only one thing to focus on and that is
GOOD NEWS about our children. You live every single day for that
extra bit of hope that today will be a pain-free/medicine-free day.
From Theresa Nieuwenhuis
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